against anti-depressants

depression’s like the sea.

your ribs fill with saltwater
& you are left with lungs bare
mouth gasping for air

gasping for sunlight
gasping for warmth
gasping for shit

i am shit
i am the sea floor
the manta rays bury
themselves in

where whales shit
& sea pigs eat
i am shit

choke, breathe
breathe, swim, breathe
breathe, breathe, swallow
breathe

i resurface & my arms
hold onto a small, jagged
edge of a cliffside

blood dripping from
skin
lungs gasping for air–
it stings. it rips.
it hurts me deep.

the cliff is my savior.
i have no choice.

there is no island, no lighthouse,
no land saving me from
the water.

there is only me.

only the
lapping waves of the
water pulling me close

the cliffside grinding me
with its teeth
until my body no longer
grasps for life in
the rock’s jagged edges.

my body floats

floats

floats

floats

i am a wingless bird

i can no longer fly from this
i can no longer fly away
from the sea

i can no longer fly
away
from myself

and as my body drips
blood into the blue waters
i sense the sharks
coming.

i do not run–swim away.
i float towards

die now.

depression’s like the sea
and I no longer care
for myself.

let the sharks eat me.
let me in peace.

10/24/16
On November 5, 2016, I was diagnosed with type II bipolar disorder. Before that, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder with bipolar tendencies; a pattern common amongst bipolar patients during their first sessions (when they’re in their depressive state; bipolar disorders are characterized by extreme episodes of elation and/or irritation and depression. In my case, depression is far more rampant in my days).

I now take mood stabilizers every day and anti-depressants every other day. I also need extensive therapy. This dosage is yet to be final as my psychiatrist is still testing what fits me. I understand her completely.

This poem really characterizes everything I am whenever I’m depressed; drowning & looking for some kind of painful salvation. Looking back, it is kind of accurate to bipolarism. The cliffs characterize my extremely angry moods.

It’s taking a lot of courage for me to be open about this. To anyone listening, thank you.

Mystery Blogger Award

It’s been weeks since I last posted something. Apologies in advance.

I’ve recently applied for a part-time job as an online English instructor to Chinese students-and the processes needed to get in are pretty daunting. I passed my demo lesson, but got rescheduled for my on-board training. 😦

On the bright side, it’s almost the end of one chapter and the beginning of another. 2017, I am so, so ready for you!

Thank you so much, Eris, for nominating my blog for the Mystery Blogger Award!

mba.jpg

What is the Mystery Blogger Award?

Mystery Blogger Award” is an award for amazing bloggers with ingenious posts. Their blog not only captivates; it inspires and motivates. They are one of the best out there, and they deserve every recognition they get. This award is also for bloggers who find fun and inspiration in blogging; and they do it with so much love and passion.
                                                                                                                             – Okoto Enigma

In other words, it’s a blog that recognizes other blogs until a chain of connections are made. Not only is it a lovely idea, it’s also a great concept for connecting bloggers from around the globe!

Without further ado, here are the rules:

  1. Put the award logo/image on your blog
  2. List the rules.
  3. Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
  4. Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well
  5. Tell your readers 3 things about yourself
  6. You have to nominate people
  7. Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog
  8. Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question (specify)
  9. Share a link to your best post(s)

Three things about myself

  1. My name’s legally spelled as ‘Kriztin’. Not ‘Kristin’ or ‘Kristine’. I’ve been growing a lot of guts to love the uniqueness in my name while getting used to people correcting the spelling of my name at the same time. My mother wanted to challenge herself and use ‘z’ in a name (she thought it was rare) and…poof! KriZtin was born. xD
  2. I absolutely hate clowns. Whoever thought that clowns were a good idea at birthday parties must’ve never known what it was like to be thrown in the air by one at age 3. Seriously, having a constant close-up shot of a clown’s make-up while falling is NOT a good way to treat kids on their birthday. Jesus.
  3. I’m part of the common population that loves books- but I get very picky with my choices. I hate anything too cheesy (except John Green’s Looking for Alaska. That’s tolerable for me.) I love anything unique, philosophical and with good writing styles. I’m open to book recommendations. 🙂

Hmmm…I nominate:

  1. ✴️ Monching
  2. ✴️ I was about to nominate R.A., but Eris already took him so yeah xD
  3. ✴️ Don
  4. ✴️ Sable
  5. ✴️ L.A.

Now, to answer Eris’ questions

☀️ A book you’re reading right now.

I am currently reading Adeline Yen Mah’s A Chinese Cinderella and…damn. Despite the different culture, the book hits too close to home. I cried more than once for this precious child.

☀️ What is your spirit animal?

My spirit animal’s a manta ray- only because I like to hide in the seafloor and pop up to eat. Jk. But yeah. Manta rays are cool, yo!

manta-ray

☀️ One thing you hope to achieve in 2017.

  • ⚡️Getting thin
  • ⚡️Having a good, stable job as an English tutor (dear God, I hope this works huhu)
  • ⚡️Reading more books
  • ⚡️Having a more positive outlook in life ❤

☀️ If you had one superpower what would it be?

To turn back time and fix wherever I went wrong. Looking back, I still think my life would’ve been better if I made better choices. Right now, things are pretty rocky, but I’m not letting that stop me. ❤

☀️ A person you look up to and why.

Right now, I’m looking up to my current trainers at my new job. I hope and pray I last for a month, but honestly I’m too much of a trainwreck to teach at the moment. Wish me luck huhu.

☕️QUESTIONS FOR NOMINEES☕️

☄️What’s you favorite kind of music? If you’re not the picky type, then what’s your current favorite?

☄️What movie speaks to you the most?

☄️What’s one positive though you have for 2017?

☄️What line of a book, song or poem resonates with you? Why?

❄️BEST POSTS I HAD SO FAR❄️

Thanks so much, guys! ❤

Using the KonMari Method in Social Media

I’ve recently read about the KonMari method of organizing and decided to apply that to my social media accounts.

One of the key concepts in the said method was holding your possessions in one hand, caressing it with your fingers and spirit, then asking yourself: does this spark joy? 

Does it make you happy? Confident? Alive? Yourself? Or does it make you shy? Drained? Lifeless?

Does the thing resemble a boring repetition in your daily activities?

If it makes you alive and happy, it sparks joy. Keep it. If it doesn’t, thank it for the memories it has bestowed on you, then put it away for donation.

Do this all in silence.

I deleted both my twitter and instagram accounts because they don’t spark joy, anymore. They just felt like old relics of bad memories. I thanked them, deleted them, then moved on.

There was sentiment in doing all this, sure. I was the kind of person to keep things just in case something happens. I haven’t read this yet so I should keep it. I need this to review for my NMAT.

I was that kind of person until life hit me. I had to move on.

The list goes on. Strange to apply that to Facebook.

It was strange finding myself meditate as I scrolled through my old friend list. Even stranger to realize that only so few of my friends sparked joy the minute I saw them. Some were ones I held close while others were so distant, we’re practically strangers.

I didn’t want a list of Facebook friends without some sort of interaction between us.

The rest felt like so much dead space, a fresh start sounded like a better option. 

Although I had other reasons to want to delete my Facebook account, there was something about it that drained me. Every time I log in, I feel dependent on it. My old Facebook account felt so parasitic, it’s as if my life clung to it everytime I browse the internet.

I’ve had that account for years, but it just felt draining.

It didn’t spark joy anymore. 

One thing I’ve realized about the experience was the urge to start fresh. To knock off the old stains in my teeth and find new life anew. Sentiment was hard, but that was why I said thank you and parted ways with the old life online.

It felt good. Really good.

I’ll definitely do this to all my old blogposts. Maybe delete and discontinue the diabetics friendly restaurant project because I find myself broke and we rarely go out now.

I’ll probably do better food reviews in the future, when I have my own money. Now just may not be the time. 

Probably discontinue other projects, too, and start fresh with new ones. Ones I can actually finished.

This KonMari method might change my life. Who knows?

sludge

you bleed like a fountain
when the tides aim for saltwater sky
& all you want to do is drown-
i wonder how long it’ll take for you
to stop writing like that.

once upon a time, you were blue
train tracks rolling down cigarette
addiction and soft metaphors.
your mother had no way of recognizing you
from the sallow skin
and crevice-deep wrinkles.
you were a cliche
romanticizing the evenings,
wishing you were dead
on paper.
Read More »

Oh, mother

you told me that one day
I’ll be able to understand
the cherry blossom
that is your heart

or that one day I’ll be able
to interpret your skies
of gold and pink and blue
and realize that this is
all synonymous
to sadness.

I used to make origami wings for you,
the kind that can rip through the wind
to cradle you ever so gently
while you embark on
leaving everything behind

even if I never understood why,
even hurts seeing footprints
without the feet pressing them
deep into love.

5/24/13Read More »

Why working at McDonald’s isn’t so bad

There’s nothing wrong with working at McDonald’s. Your life did not and will not reach a low point just because of a fast food joint.

I used to think that I’ll never achieve my dreams the minute I turned into a service crew member at McDonald’s; that my life’s hard work would be for nothing if I serve a burger with fries on the side.

But that was before my family hit a financial crisis. I was still in my first year of college, studying hard to maintain an academic scholarship in the hopes of lessening any sort of burden.Read More »

periscii

periscii (n.)- inhabitants of the polar circles; during summer-time, their shadows make a complete revolution

i. her

it’s 6:30 in the morning.

his room is a sludge of cigarette butts drowned in gin bottles like a saturated mountain of hopelessness. newspapers scatter the floor, the sink piled up with dishes reeking of mold & stench of rotting lunch. it’s a mess. he’s nothing but a mess.

Read More »